last year for my birthday in August I gathered with my brother and an old friend
we met at a sidewalk cafe in Mount Pleasant
the dynamics are what they are
I am the younger brother
the three of us have very different personalities
we are having an exchange
it is nice... I am grateful to have people who I care about who want to share my birthday with me
we are talking
I am starting to share my excitement about The Dead City Alleycat
before I can start... my friend asks, "What is an Alleycat?"
my brother interjects... answers the question... once done pauses and says... oh... sorry... why don't you tell him... to which I respond... well... you basically have it covered... you have been talking over me for 54 years... no reason to stop now... my brother was visibly insulted hurt... but what about me? how did I feel? how did I feel in that moment when he spoke instead of me? he did that in that moment... he has done that to my my whole life
in this moment... I am hosting the Alleycat... my brother has never attended, raced in, or volunteered in an Alleycat... yet he was comfortable with being the expert on the topic... that is the situation I am in... this is the shadow that I stand in... my brother is impressive... he has his strengths and his accomplishments... sensitivity is not one of them... oh... he is sensitive... as I hurt his feelings... but his hurt feelings did not change his behavior... sure... he clammed up... he was silent... he has done this before... he will try to punish me by not talking... but that is not what is needed... it is not about all or none... it is about having a conversation... sharing the stage... and then also listening... sure... it is a family weakness... my father... my sister... my brother and myself... we all would rather talk than listen... it can be a competitive table... I tend to bow out... wise cracks are the best I can get in... my story is not important to them... they think they know it... they think they have heard it... but they never asked... and when told... they did not listen... not talking about the rants of the divorce... that is not the topic... it is across the board... from the beginning until now... older brother and older sister and the dynamics that often come with those hierarchies... only without most of the positive dynamics...
throwing this stuff down for me
just need to get it out
therapy of sorts
