I tried to forgive him for his shortcomings... but he continued to fail me... he failed me then... he failed me now...
above...
my family pre-divorce
visiting my grandparents for Christmas in suburban Illinois
in short...
I have tried to accept people for who they are
trying to understand their flaws and their shortcomings
in my 20's I learned and I tried to never ask someone for something that they do not have to offer
do not expect generosity from someone who is not generous
do not expect a talker to be a good listener
don't be angry for someone and their nature
we all have our default settings
but then...
there becomes a time
a time of acceptance
I have come to accept that my father is not worthy of being my father
sure... there is biology
and yes...
there is history
but... there is no NOW
and
there has been no NOW with my father since the divorce
my loser of a dad
he failed me as a child...
he failed me as an adult...
he is a failure as a father...
FCK HIM!
LOSER PIECE OF SHIT!
he is not worthy...
I walked away when he chose my ex wife over me
then...
years into that separation from him
I tried to reconnect with him
I reached out to him
invited him to dinner
invited him to my house
he never returned the favor
I humbled myself
I asked to be a guest in his house
((yes... I walked away... ))
I asked to be a guest not for main events or big parties
but I wanted to be part of my family
I was missing out on so many life events
it was slow for me to get the revelation
I am not important to him
and really
he is not important to me
my father was never my spiritual guide
never did this man ever offer any wisdom in life
sure... he as lots of great stories
but now messages
there is no depth to this man
shallow and simple
absent of empathy
flawed logic obstructed by narcissism
yes... he had his successes
but
in life... well you might be measured by your failures
as a child I was so proud of my father and his career
yes... his career was impressive
but what else
he second marriage?
what a loser... what a ball-less loser...
watching your father being brow beaten and treated like a bitch is no way to grow up
this person... less than a man... this person failed me
failed me a a child
failed me as an adult
never gave me a bit of advice that was not a slap to the face
if I had a machine that could make people the same age
I would take that machine to his house
I would let him chose the age...
we could fight all day
we could go back to his childhood when he was a plump little kid
beat his ass then
then we could each be transformed to adulthood
beat his ass then
and then finally
I would make us both old men
and I would beat his ass again
and no... I do not want to beat anyone up
I am angered... I am hurt...
beyond repair
the olive branch was offered
as said we gathered number of times by my invite
but our relationship did not prosper
the narcissistic bitch told his stories and asked no quesitons
we could be with my boys
their lives full of new and different stories
he would give a requisite question on the recent rowing race or whatever
not allowing enough time for a full story to be told
before he got back to his favorite topic
himself...
I have fought to fight this tendency
it is a family trait
his stories are good
but really if I want stories I will watch Netflix
I wanted a father
I get up without a father
when my parents divorced
my dad got custody of my brother and myself
he intention was not so he could be better parental guide of the two parent
but quite simply
it was more cheap to have the boys in his house than to pay child support and have those boys with his mother
other than putting crap food on the table
the house was devoid of any parental guidance
there were rules
but there was no guidance
it sucked growing up in that house with my father and his second wife
they were each physically and emotionally abusive
yes... I know... people hit their kids in that era
but.. I was not her kid
and
compelling the emotional abuse with the physical abuse
well...
that man and his wife
they get poor marks as people
both of them...
strong in the work place
weak in the home
dysfunctional people
not capable of appropriate human contact
I thin Asperger's syndrome
these photos are of my mom and my dad
my biological mother
I love my mother very much
no... she is not perfect, but neither am I
my dad...
he caused me too much pain as a child and then more so as an adult that he is worthy of my love
now if I could just remove my anger and my pain
my stepmother...
she was never my mother
she was never a nurturing or supportive person in my life
saying she tried would be like saying Hitler tried
her best sucked
she sucks as a person
she sucked as a Step Parent
LOVE TO THE WORLD
