the other night I went out with my brother and an old friend for my birthday...
M M T A? JJTA?
oh...
a nickname that was created not due to actions but to the rhyme
J J T A
Joel Joel The Asshole
does not have the same ring as
Marc Marc the Asshole... but that does not mean that he is not an asshole
just like the nickname JJTA does not mean that I am an asshole
the name was a rhyme nothing more
a nickname JJTA was created by strangers who I had at that time never yet interacted with
never had conflict with
just a rhyme
it is somewhat a tradition for the three of us to get together for my birthday...
a tradition in recent years ends in me walking out from the table after being offended
the offer to gather for my birthday is nice...
it is nice to be thought of on your birthday...
it is nice to have people in your life that want to celebrate your birthday with you...
so... I am happy to have these people in my life...
that said... there has been a recent history of these birthday gatherings with this trio not going smoothly
an outsider may say that the issue is with me
when actually
it is a matter of action and over reaction
really...
if it were not for the initial action there would be no over reaction
telephone game?
ever play it?
now... is there a term for a story that may or may not be true
but gets told over and over as if it is fact
I guess that would be a fable?
not sure... but my brother has a number of stories that I never refuted... mistakenly allowing him to retell these half truths...
my birthday was approaching and I was not sure if I wanted to gather with my brother
the death of my ex wife has brought many things to surface
these things have not brought me closer to my family
but has pushed us further apart
as when I reflect upon the post divorce years I can not help but feel as if I was wronged by my family...
when we gather at work or at parties we often set mental boundaries
what is appropriate? what is inappropriate?
in an effort to get along... I try to be less offensive...
in all forms... how I sit... how I eat...
and
what I say...
everyone does this...
the three of us are doing this...
we are all trying to get along
my two hosts are aware that I have many triggers
they have seen them before
so... we are all being careful...
we are all getting along well enough... then my brother tells a story...
a story that may or may not have happened
a story that I have heard before... many times before
a story that puts me in an unpleasant light
a story that he finds to be humorous
a story that I do not find funny
here is the story... a story from high school era... a story I have heard a number of times... and I paraphrase...
my brother tells a story about walking into Crown Books in Bethesda...
when my brother Marc walks into the book store a woman\girl we were friends with was working the register
as my brother walks in my brother hears
"oh... Joel's brother just walked in... No, he is not an asshole"
did she say that?
who was she talking to?
did he confirm that was what was said?
or did he just think he heard that?
the story has been told so many times that the story is the memory... not the actual incident...
that is essentially the story...
not as funny as "a termite walks into a bar and asks... Is the bar tender here?"
no... not funny... and maybe not true
then... possibly inappropriate to roast someone on their birthday
who wants a story that calls them an asshole to be told... especially on their birthday?
my brother finishes his story with that smug expression on his face
to which I responded... "that is untrue"
quickly... immediately... my brother raises his eyebrows and challenges me
"what is untrue? the story?"
I say no... the statement that he (the brother\Marc) is not an asshole is untrue.
I say they did not have enough data... that in fact he is an asshole... and by telling this story is enough case and point to show that this person is in fact an asshole
WHO ROASTS THEIR BROTHER ON THEIR BIRTHDAY?
there is a little back and forth...
my brother is not having it
it is as if he is Lindsey Wagner with a Bionic Ear...
WE DO NOT EVEN KNOW IF HE HEARD WHAT HE THOUGHT HE HEARD...
I have heard this story before... many times before... this happened in 1984
not the book... the year...
so yes... I have heard this fable before
there is a back and forth
it is not fun... it is not comfortable...
I have just been insulted at a birthday dinner for me
I did not come here to be roasted...
in fact, I was hesitant to attend this gathering for just such a reason
this story telling with a person at the table to be the victim of the joke is not an unfamiliar joking style
several weeks ago my brother used this same style of story telling to entertain my adult cousin in from out of town and others at a family gathering a few weeks ago
I was not in attendance (TRIGGERED)
but instead... my boys were with my brother and his family having dinner with my cousin in town from Suburban Chicago
at this meal my brother talked in his classic style...
THE WHOLE TIME... (or so I have been told)
while talking he told a story about my older son and something that happened weeks prior
he told this story for what I understand for the whole night
or at least he talked the whole night
then this story was a good part of it
my son did not enjoy being the spot light in this moment
the story was insulting and humiliating
my son was the butt of that joke
days after this dinner my son shared his feeling about that moment
I then asked my brother to apologize
I asked my brother to apologize for that moment and many moments before that...
I asked my brother to apologize to my older son for that moment and then to stretch back to when my younger son felt that he did not like him
hold on... my son as a small child felt like his uncle did not like him?
that is sad
I asked for an apology... there was no response... there was no consideration
APOLOGIZE?
not gonna happen
never happened before
never gonna happen
so...
my brother go back and forth
I make it clear that this joke shows who the asshole is
the story is funny... as I was friends with the person on the phone in that moment and for years after
if I was really this said "asshole"
why were these people my friends? more my friends than his
I told my brother than he clings to a number of stories with the same punch line
none of which I enjoy
he did not care
so... realizing that my brother was my ride home
thanked my two hosts for a nice dinner
then told them I could walk home from there
there was no way I was going to be able to sit in the car and be along side of my brother
not in this moment
he needs to unfold some of these ideas
he needs to revisit who he is
I left with one sentence echoing in my ear
"you are not going to EXTRACT an apology out of me"
I was married to an abusive woman who never apologized
it is hard to have relationships with people who repeatedly wrong you
but never repair the wrongs
sure... my brother does nice things to me
but that does not undo the wrongs that have been done
we are trying to have a relationship
there are moments where my brother refuses to listen to me because of my intensity and the way I talk to him
ironically.... my brother has done the same to me
a month or so ago my brother braided me in my own house
I told him I was not enjoying his tone or how he was talking to me
he then yelled at me saying "I am not telling you what to do"
I was able to get him to mellow out and stay... asking to talk about other topics
he reverted to the same topic
again getting preachy
insulting me to the point where I had to ask him to leave
he stormed out... it is not what I wanted
but I asked him to be more respectful
he was not
so... it was best that he just leave
it is hard...
I am the young brother... the baby of the family
but I am also an adult
my perspective is as valid as anyone else's
yet... it is not weighted the same
my brother wronged me and hides behind claims.... "it is complicated"
over the years I tried to break things down to the narcissists around me
simply taking the logic statements and putting others in my situation and seeing if they would see those actions as acceptable
as I said years ago... I continue to repeat... thinking one day people will hear me
YOU HAVE DONE TO ME WHAT YOU WOULD NOT ALLOW OTHERS TO DO TO YOU
the take away from the night...
my brother said. "YOU ARE NOT GOING TO EXTRACT AN APOLOGY FROM ME"
I do not want an apology
I want him (and others) to understand the wrong they have done and feel empathy and remorse
but that will not happen
it is not in their nature
that is not how these people are wired
