funny... I did not say anything... but I could not help but display my displeasure with awkwardness

a month or so back my older son turned 21

years and years ago there was birthday tradition to host his birthday party at my father's backyard pool

as I am not a guest in my father's house
I have not hosted such an event since the divorce

no... without use of my father's pool and my father's grill
two of the few things that useless person has to offer
pickup up the tab for Chinese food may be the last of his skills

so...
with traditions dying due to dying relationships
I started a new tradition
near my new house and my new life on the other side of town I hosted a gathering
we started a tradition of a birthday gathering with croquet

yes... croquet

it is a blast
I dig it... Dean digs it... we all dig it...

so...
Dean asked for a game of croquet for his birthday
he invited a few friends and his cousins
then also... he asked to borrow my brother\his uncle's croquet set

so...
we gathered

I was showering and getting prepared
hosting people showing up at my house just as I was getting home from work

I heard it... the door opened... someone let themselves in
it was my brother
what was my brother doing here?
why was my brother letting himself into my house?

awkward?

he was not invited
and
why would someone let themselves into another person's house

for years my family has hosted events
my father has hosted gatherings
my brother and my ex wife has hosted dinners and such
I was not invited
never did I think I would just invite myself to one of these events

my brother showed up
he did not leave
he altered the tone

it was funny

he showed up and immediately clammed up
his face was sour and he was in a mood
he was reacting to me being less than inviting
but really... he was not invite
how should I respond

after years and years of him and others painfully hosting events without me being invited
why does he think he can just crash this event?

it was a birthday party for my son
and well
my brother did not ruin it
but it was a bit of a damper on the evening
just as he had a sour look on his face
my mood was soured 

my interaction with my sons and their cousins was altered
as my brother was part of an uninvited audience 

now...

I have been told to not air my dirty laundry
but well
how can you tell someone something that they do not want to hear?
whisper?

these are my whispers... my whispers to a world that was not listening

you be you
I will be me

my actions may be indefensible
but really
my actions are a reaction to an indefensible reaction

journaling is therapy
I am more willing to type here than somewhere else
this is where I used to come to vent

now I return here to vent